Getting through the first weeks of grief

In the early days of grief, the world can feel unreal. You might feel numb, or shattered, or strangely calm, then flattened by a wave out of nowhere. However it's hitting you, that is grief, and you are not doing it wrong.

There's a myth that grief moves in tidy stages, that you'll pass neatly from one to the next and come out the other side. It doesn't work like that. Grief is messier, more circular, more personal. Some moments you'll cope. Others you won't. Both are normal, often within the same hour.

Let it be exactly what it is

There is no correct way to grieve and no timetable you're failing to meet. You might cry constantly or not at all. You might laugh at something and then feel guilty for laughing. You might feel angry, relieved, lost, or all of it at once. None of this means anything has gone wrong with you. Grief simply takes the shape it takes, and trying to force it into something neater only adds suffering on top of sorrow.

Small things that might help you hold on

In the rawest weeks, survival is the only goal. These aren't about healing yet. They're about getting through the day:

• Lower the bar all the way. Eating something, drinking water, and resting is enough for now. Everything else can wait
• Let people help, even when it feels easier to say you're fine. Let them bring food, sit with you, handle a phone call
• Take it one hour at a time when one day feels too much. Sometimes one minute at a time
• Don't make big decisions if you can avoid them. Grief is not the place to decide the rest of your life
• Expect the waves, especially the ones that come from nowhere, at the supermarket, in a song. They will ease in time, even though it doesn't feel like it now

The guilt, the anger, the “what ifs”

So many people are blindsided by guilt in grief. The things left unsaid, the last conversation, the what ifs that loop at night. Please know this is one of the most common parts of loss, and it rarely reflects any real failing on your part. It's love, searching for somewhere to go. If those thoughts are tormenting you, you don't have to wrestle them alone.